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Soccer Pimp: Loser’s Lament

Friday, March 06th, 2009 | Author:

The first smile to cross my face this morning happened when I thought of myself sitting at Skydome tomorrow, watching the World Baseball Classic. The second smile appeared when the shuffle on my iPod offered me Hawksley Workman‘s Piano Blink. The rest of the commute was spent with a frown as I replayed the second half of the Impact-Santos Laguna match from last night in my head.

As I wrote yesterday, all the Impact had to do to progress to the semi-final round of the CONCACAF Champions League was not lose by 3 or more. This turned out to be a bridge too far for John Limniadis’ valiant squad.

The Mexican champions got off to a quick start, netting a goal within 15 minutes. I lost a bit of hope at this point as it seemed that Santos were far superior to the Impact, a much different team than the one we saw at Olympic Stadium. My St. Thomas moment was fleeting, however, as the Impact quickly put together two goals and carried that lead into the half. As that second goal went in, I lifted my arms in victory but also in shock. It would not be the last shocking moment of the evening.

For those not familiar with the aggregate system in soccer, this basically meant that because of MontrĂ©al’s 2-0 win back home last week, Santos had to score 4 goals in the second half to win the quarterfinal. Here’s what I wrote on my Facebook page: “Ottawa Sports Guy is watching in disbelief as it seems the Impact are on their way!”. What happened next will go down as one of the worst collapses in sports that I’ve ever witnessed.

When you’re essentially up by four goals in soccer, it is perfectly natural to assume a defensive posture and let the action come to you, breaking up any attempt to score. Eleven men committed to this last night. Eleven others committed themselves to the opposite endeavour. Unfortunately, when a northern team travels to Central America in what becomes a battle of endurance, the weathered latin team’s legs usually win out. It was no different on this night.

Wave after wave of attack beat down on the Impact’s 18 yard box as Santos laid siege to the Montreal goal. For a while, the Impact were resolute in destroying whatever creativity was flung upon them. Right place, Right time, that kinda thing. Then the goals came. By the 90th minute, the score was 3-2 Santos and it looked like an Impact victory as we waited for the fourth official to signal the amount of stoppage time. The electronic board was raised above his head and flashed “4″. Where he found four minutes, I’ll never know. More on this later.

By this time, there were 11 white Impact jerseys jammed into the tight space of the 18-yard box. Their legs were visibly tired, and it seemed as though they hoped to build some sort of impenetrable wall to keep the ball out for four long, arduous minutes. The first goal went in, and the Santos players rushed back across the halfway line to get the game started again. It was too much for the tired Impact defenders. The last goal went in as the crowd went absolutely bonkers. If I wasn’t cheering for the Impact I would have allowed myself a smile. Instead I sat in my La-z-boy in complete shock, my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. How in the world had this turned into a Bill Simmonsgut-punch” game?

At a certain point in the second half, the referee lost the plot. A Santos player merited a red card on two incidents in the same sequence, for lifting his spikes at an incoming challenge and then raising his hands to the face of the defender when he called him on his intent to injure. All he got was a yellow, yet the rulebook is black and white about striking an opposing player’s face with your hand. Then referee failed to call a penalty on the Santos keeper after he brought down the Impact striker in the box. Should have been a penalty shot, and Santos went straight back down the field and scored. And then there was the four minutes of stoppage time. Another dubious CONCACAF officiating decision that favours a Central Amercian team. Shameful, that. Now you know why I titled this thread “Loser’s Lament”.

All in all, we’ll all have to take a deep breath and forget this unforgettable evening, instead remembering the year the Impact went on their improbable run to the quarterfinal of this prestigious competition and made Canada proud.

The first 2009 Voyageurs Cup match in Montreal takes place May 20th against Vancouver Whitecaps. Road trip, Waffle-Man?

The Pimple vol. 2

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006 | Author:


Ayoye (French for “Ouch that hurts like a bitch” – quite literally)! Two weeks does not a season make, but watching my Dolphins, and more specifically Daunte Culpepper, trot onto the field and get trounced by the hated Bills, at home, does not give me much hope for the season. Every time I catch Saints highlights and see Drew Brees light it up I think: “That’s the guy who was the perfect fit for Miami”.

At this point in the Dolphins progression, a game manager who can surprise you with the occasional deep ball is what’s needed. Daunte gives us what? Memories of Randy Moss? I hear Jay Fiedler is still a backup somewhere (pining for Jay Fiedler is not what I had in mind for this season). Dan Marino (may Buddha bless him) is still only 45. Wasn’t Steve DeBerg 68 when he played for the Chiefs?

Unfortunately, this is going to be another good Miami defence gone to waste. You know who I feel bad for? Zach Thomas. This guy has been the heart and soul of the Dolphins for 10 years, and will probably end his career without even one memorable playoff run. If ever you’re watching a Dolphins game, notice how he always seems to be in on the tackle, no matter where the play ended up. My buddy Jason and I were watching the season opener against Pittsburgh, and the Steelers had just scored on a passing touchdown. I pointed out to Jason: “Well, at least Zach was close to the guy who scored.” Jason replied “Yeah, but that’s the safety’s job!”. Exactly.

On the bright side, if the Dolphins go 0-16, they get Brady Quinn! Not that they would take him, since they’ve already broken the bank on Mr. Love Boat. And oh wait, the Raiders would actually have to win a game for that to happen. Never mind.

Speaking of the Raiders, anybody else pissed that Aaron Brooks is already on the bench? Art Shell is withholding some key unintentional comedy there. Andrew Walter? Nothing’s funny about him! I think I’ll start an Aaron Brooks petition. Who’s with me? However, as Bill Simmons pointed out in this hilarious column, Art Shell provides plenty of comedy on his own.

Anyone else watch the end of the Vikings v. Panthers game? Now there’s a game neither coach wanted to win. First John Fox gives the go-ahead for that dumb, dumb, dumb trick special teams play on a punt return – WHEN THEY WERE LEADING BY A TOUCHDOWN!!! So Chris Gamble promptly messes that one up nicely, and Minnesota recovers. Fine, then the Vikes do nothing with it and send out the FG unit. Hey Carolina, you think maybe this is going to be a fake, since the Vikings need 7 to tie the game with time almost running out? I guess not, because they got caught flat-footed as Ryan Longwell, the Vikings kicker, threw an easy TD into the endzone.

Off to overtime we go. A few things happened, but let’s fast-forward to the end. Vikings work the ball to inside the Panther 5 yard line for a first down. It’s overtime, remember. Kick a field goal and it’s over.

5 yard line.

Field goal.

Over.

Simple.

What do the Vikings do? Run up the gut on first down for no gain. Surely, someone upstairs is calling down to the sideline to make them realize they only need a field goal, and don’t need to risk a turnover? Nope. 2nd down, run up the gut, no gain. My buddy Bruce and I are freaking out on the couch, yelling at the TV. Ok, maybe only I was the only one yelling, but I’m more emotional than Bruce Mr. Turk. Now I’m hoping they run the ball again and fumble, it’s all they deserve, but common sense (FINALLY) prevails and they kick the field goal to win. Still can’t believe it.

Since we’re on the subject of the Vikes-Panthers game, I need to air something Bruce Mr. Turk pointed out during NBC’s Football Night in America. They have a feature where fans are asked to pick the biggest turning point of the day. There were 4 options, and one of them was the botched special teams trick play by the Panthers: definitely a turning point. However, the other 3 were not turning points but game-deciding plays. Example: Eli Manning’s game-winning TD pass to Plaxico Burress in overtime. That’s not a turning point, it’s game over, as Bruce Mr. Turk pointed out. A better example in that game would be the ill-advised kick to the groin that Trent Cole administered to a Giant defender, making the tying field goal a 35 yard instead of 50 yard attempt. That’s a turning point. Boo on you for that NBC!

While we’re on the subject of broadcasters, here are some quick hit observations:

  • Someone at ESPN needs to have a handkerchief ready for Chris Berman at all times. Having his sweaty face on my TV was scary, especially in HD. Can’t we get an intern to wipe him down when he’s not on camera?
  • Brad Nessler, Dick Vermeil and Ron Jaworski were superb in the second part of the Monday Night Football doubleheader. The shame is that they won’t be working another game until who knows when?
  • Costas’ chair was still too big. Bruce Mr. Turk couldn’t believe it when he saw it for the first time on Sunday. It’s New York, people, I’m sure they sell chairs for little people there! (see, I didn’t use the word midget).
  • Can we eliminate the part in every MNF game were they get a star to come to the booth? In week one, it was Jaime Foxx complaining about being in the third row of Daniel Snyder’s luxury box. This week, Wayde Dwyane (or whatever his name is) talking about how excited he is for the upcoming NBA season. Look, I realize one of ESPN’s major properties is the NBA – I GET IT. But I want football, at the very least. Warren Moon is in the house and wants to come to the booth? Fine. Lawrence Taylor? Sure. For everything else non-football related we have Tony Kornheiser. Stick to the program kids.
  • Another point from Bill Simmons with which I agree: Fox’s pregame show decided to dispose of James Brown in order to have Joe Buck lead the telecast. The only problem is, Joe Buck is their lead play-by-play guy for NFL and MLB. Therefore, the broadcast has to travel to whichever city Buck is announcing in for that weekend. Doesn’t that seem like an extreme and expensive solution to replace James Brown? Are you telling me there is such a black hole of talent in broadcasting that you had to turn to this costly solution in order to put a show on the air? Seriously, this is what the anchor does: “Hello everyone and welcome to Fox NFL Gameday. Lots of good matchups today…Howie?” There you go. Howie, Terry and Jimmy yell at each other for 15 minutes, you pretend they’re funny and fake-laugh through it all, then say “you guys are great – we’ll be back after these messages”. They couldn’t find anyone else for this? Was the monkey from Most Valuable Primate busy? What about the creepy golden shower monkey from the Telus commercials? Oh well, it’s not like anybody watches that show to begin with…

Looking good after week 2:

  • Jacksonville’s D
  • Rex Grossman
  • Alex Smith
  • Sean Taylor’s hit on T.O.
  • Joey Porter
  • LaDainian Tomlinson
  • Falcon’s run game

Looking horrible after week 2:

  • Culpepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (includes such hits as “Ripping the Soul From my Team’s Chest” and “Oops, My Team’s Not Dressed in Blue this Week”)
  • Chris “My Daddy won a Superbowl” Simms
  • Eagles character
  • 700 page offensive playbooks
  • T.O.’s finger (CRUNCH, BITCH!!)
  • Art Shell’s retirement fund

See you next week!

P.S. Did I miss any topics you wanted me to discuss? Send you suggestions mimglow@gmail.com and I’ll try and address them next time around).

The Pimple

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 | Author:

I’m going to try a new feature this year, and that’s The Pimple, which will be a MMQB of sorts. Why The Pimple? Skiing Penguins are native to Northern Ontario, more specifically north of Kapuskasing and Moonbeam. The most famous (and only) ski hill in the region has “The Pimple” as a nickname, because of its shape. So there you go.

DISCLAIMER: I was working this weekend and only got to watch the Sunday Night game. That’s why most of my focus will feature that contest, and more specifically NBC’s new broadcast, report card included.

I can’t start this column off any other way than to talk about the Thursday Night game, Defending Champions v. My Beloved Dolphins. I must admit that I bought into the Daunte hype. Silly old me, but how could I not? Since Marino (may Allah make his soul eternal) retired, we’ve had this wonderful lineup of QB’s; Damon Huard, Jay Fiedler, AJ Feeley, Brian Griese, Ray Lucas, Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels.Therefore, I only half-apologize for getting excited about Daunte Culpepper. Not that I’m writing him off or anything, but based on his performance, gifting the game to the Steelers, it looks like 2005 Daunte as opposed to 2003 Daunte.

Ze Red Barons owner joined me for the game, and since he has Daunte as his QB we were both quite grumpy by the end of the game. The Real Chazz Batch even showed up for a while, and it looked certain that the Dolphins would take full advantage, but alas, it wasn’t enough. Back to the drawing board.

So I was working yesterday, during my lunch break (1:30 to 2:30) I decided to go the only sports bar on Sparks Street (I work downtown), Hoops. I walk in, look at all the TV’s, and it’s on TBS. I don’t need to point out to you hardcore NFL’ers that TBS does not show football. So I walk over to the bartender, and ask the barmaid “Excuse me, are you showing any of the football?”. Her reply: “Oh, right, I haven’t even checked what’s on.” I stood there for a few minutes thinking “ok, anytime now she’ll switch it over”. I then promptly walked out. Lesson: There really aren’t any sports bars on Sparks Street.

I therefore had to wait until I got home to watch some pigskin fly through the air. Fortunately, the 4pm game between the Cowboys and Jaguars was a doozie! I underestimated the entertainment value of cheering for Drew Bledsoe to be Drew Bledsoe, and watch the ticking time bomb that is Your 2006 Dallas Cowboys. How many more bad throws to #81 will it take for it to explode? That made for some compelling viewing. You can see the cracks being exposed slowly. There was a point in the game where Dallas went 3 and out, and Terrell was yapping on the sidelines, while Drew was trying to study those black and white photos of the defensive alignments. T.O. must have said something to Drew, because if you were looking for it, and I was, there was a flash of something that momentarily came into Bledsoe’s eyes, and he replied without looking at T.O. We like ill will. Bring more ill will. Sidenot to Fox Sports: The Fox Bots have NEVER been cool. And now that you’ve got an acutal guy in a robot suit dancing around, it’s CREEPY. Enough with the robots.

The Sunday Night game did not disappoint, but before I get into that let me spend a little time talking about Football Night in America, the new highlights show on NBC, and the production qualities of the actual game. First off, let me say that I was quite upset when it was announced that the NFL had given its Sunday Night highlights package exclusively to NBC. That brought an end to a legendary broadcast that we all grew up with – ESPN’s NFL PRIME TIME. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson worked perfectly as a team, and it was sad to say goodbye. It was upsetting because it was a pure financial decision by the NFL, not based on the show’s quality.

Having said that, I kept hearing about how good HBO’s football show was, and that show’s crew would be doing the Sunday night thing. That piqued my interest. So how was it? Football Night in America works for me. Works very well. I’ve always loved Bob Costas and Chris Collinsworth. Jerome Bettis comes off as well as an analyst as he did as a football personality, unlike Shannon Sharpe of CBS. Sterling Sharpe, who’s firing on NFL Gameday a decade ago I never understood, is good as well. He’s the antagonist on the panel, but he does way better than Michael Irvin, Terry Bradshaw or his brother Shannon.

The set looked gorgeous. Much better than ESPN’s flying saucer setup. I don’t get the current set on ESPN, it’s terrible. NBC’s set is classy, understated, perfect for a Sunday night. It’s feels like football zen after a day of testosterone and over the top announcers and analysts. My only complaint is that it took 18 minutes to get into highlights, and Costas looked like a Liliputian in those oversized chairs. Nice to see they’re giving midgets some important jobs in television. We could always use more midgets on TV (sorry Bob).

As for the game broadcast, I was disappointed. Not in the clarity of the HD, which was beautiful, but the presentation. Where are the stats? Hasn’t CBS laid down the blueprint of what football fans expect in terms of stats? They kept showing Manning stats all night. Well guess what, we want to know how the other players are doing as well! Same producer as MNF, Fred Gaudelli, and I guess he doesn’t like stats.

Opening music: YUK! Bill Simmons spearheaded the argument against using 20-30 year old songs in opening sequences, and no one is listening. Pink doing “I Hate Myself for Loving You” is a terrible decision. I guess they were hoping for a long standing hit like Hank Williams’ “Are you Ready?”, but come on…Joan Jett? Hopefully we don’t get 10 years of this song, or I’ll have to slit my wrists.

Al Michaels is losing some of his appeal, in my book. I used to love Al Michaels. I grew up watching Al Michaels with Frank Gifford and Dan Dierdorf in the MNF booth. But I’m officially losing my affection for Al. He’s pretty much given up on telling the game story, describing what’s going on. He’ll do the play-by-play, but he always seems so eager to break away from the action on the field to wax poetic about the topics of the day not related the present game. That used to be charming in late blowouts, where the action on the field has become irrelevant, but now he does it all the time. I wish he’d tell me about the players on the field, the strategy, the backups, the stats.

Madden is a lot better with Michaels than he was with Pat Summerall. It’s like he woke up (who can blame him – I’d fall asleep to listening to Pat Summerall for 10 years). He says insightful things at times, and he’s not too over the top as he once was.

Pre-game – Football Night in America:

Host (Bob Costas): A
Panel (Bettis, Sharpe, Collinsworth): A
Set: A- (would have gotten an A+++ if not for the oversized chair)
Content: B

Sunday Night Football:

Presentation: F (for Pink and that song and no stats!!)

Play by Play (Al Michaels): C

Colour Commentator (John Madden): B-

Picture quality and direction: A- (looks beautiful, and brought us some very good images from the game…I won’t give an A+ until they give us more live sky cam – that’s the way the game is meant to be seen)

Overall: B+

Room for improvement, but the pre-game and halftime stuff were outstanding.

As for the game itself, Vinatieri f’cked me over with his 49 yard FG. I would have won my pro line Props if it hadn’t been for that. I thought he had a bum planting foot?!? Oh well. This was an entertaining game, but I’d like to ask an open question to Corporate America: Who decided Peyton and Eli are marketable? Aren’t they two of the most despised football players right now? Don’t most people find them annoying? There is definitely something unlikeable about both of them, but apparently this does not matter since every second commercial last night featured one or both of the Mannings. Tell me this isn’t what I have to watch for four months?

Who I’ve got tonight: Tomlinson running wild over the Raiders D, and Washington clobbering Minnesota.